Allotment wisdom

As some of you know (and others will have guessed) I'm still a relative newby to the whole allotmenteering world. But that really shouldn't stop me offering up my hard-earned wisdom for those who wish to follow the way of the dibber and spade. In fact, I'm convinced that novice status bears no relation to the quality of the advice you can give in gardening circles. Some of my neighbours down at plot 28 have been 'tendin'' for years and most of their words of guidance have proved to be a load of old manure, (although their encouragement is always welcome). From this I have deduced that either their allotments are growing despite their interventions, or they're keeping all the real trade secrets to themselves. Either way, the only determining factors in passing on gardening wisdom successfully are the grave sincerity of your demeanour as you impart advice, (preferably in hushed bluff Yorkshire tones), and a solemn nod to the grateful recipient. Some of my compadres have perfected this method to the stage where they no longer need to use language; like Yorkshire Jedi, they can just nod and scowl meaningfully; those in the know will nod and scowl back.

So for what it's worth, here are the immutable allotment lessons learned in my first year.

• Gardeners can control the weather. Go to dig and it will be baking hot, go to water and it will rain.
• Everything is genetically programmed to try to survive. Kindness is the biggest killer, especially too much water or light.
• All allotmenteers are paranoid and consumed with envy. Over the fence, your neighbours' plants always look like they are bigger, prettier and greener than your own.
• Quantity surveying does not come naturally on the allotment. A patch of digging will take three times as long as you guessed, multiply the barrow-journeys by a factor of 10 from your worst estimate and a small pack of seeds contains 6 months worry and work.
• The world is full of evil unseen enemies that exist to starve your family. Slugs, bugs, birds and rabbits, give them no quarter. They are your mortal foe, so put away all childish thoughts and plot against them, as they so surely conspire against you.
• The bigger the seed or plant, the easier it will be to grow. Trees are fantastic; carrots are a nightmare. Learn to enjoy big food.
• Try to introduce small amounts of weeds to your diet. If you can evolve your gene-line to thrive on weeds then your descendants will eventually populate the globe. Weeds grow everywhere, faster than everything and when all the useful plants have been nibbled by slugs, there will always be a pristine crop of nettles to rely on.

Fellow Jedi take heed and welcome to the green-side. Here endeth the first (but probably not the last) lesson.